Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Every abusive parent I know of is narcissistic. This book completely failed to take NPD into account and will leave many victims thinking that their abusive parent "didn't realize how hurtful their words were" and other nonsense. Narcissists KNOW the "damage they are causing" and that is precisely why they say and do horrible things. It is how they get their narcissistic supply. They intentionally cause pain, fear, hurt and confusion in order to feed off of us. They wear masks to make them look nice while they plot to manipulate, control and even make you think you are crazy (the term is "gaslighting"). Convincing children of narcissists that their parent(s) didn't mean to hurt them and that they can just confront them and everything will be okay with a few simple boundaries is asinine. Only more harm will come from this naive perspective. Learn about narcissistic abuse, cluster B personality disorders and CPTSD for some real help.

I came to understand my father's behavior was emotional abuse late in life, age 50, when I started to have powerful reactions to how he treated my brother's daughters. What I did not know, until this book opened my eyes, was that my mother, whom everyone in the world loves (and for good reason) was complicit in the abuse because she never told my father to stop. She never protected me and she wasn't now protecting her granddaughters. Let me tell you, suddenly coming to terms, at 50, with with your sainted mother's participation in an abusive cycle was a horrible shock, but without this book, I don't know if I would have uncovered it myself and thereby begun the journey healing and begun to call attention to it within the family thereby empowering my nieces to begin establishing and enforcing boundaries. One of the things that I really appreciate about this book is that the author believes us. She really believes us when we say that we were abused. As anyone knows who's told someone who knows the abuser, especially a family member, being believed is the first obstacle. Most people we tell really don't believe us. The abuse we tell of doesn't fit the person they think they know, so they dismiss it. Not Dr. Forward! This is not to say that she fawns over us or coddles us. It is simply to say that she believes us and educates us, helps us understand why this might have happened and gives us powerful tools to learn and grow, to step into our power. I don't even know her and yet I feel indebted to her for this painful, but very necessary book.

I haven’t been in contact with my family for a year. Most of my adult life I spent trying to be the good helpful oldest sibling. And my father would repeatedly ,after drinking, point his finger at me and tell me how he beat my legs with a stick when I wandered off as a toddler. Not quite one year old. My life was filled with him saying that and other demeaning remarks. He has his favorites amongst my siblings, not me. Eventually it took an event to make me finally leave.I kept trying to forgive him, and the siblings. This book made me understand I needed to be angry, so I let myself be angry and hold he and my siblings accountable for the multitude of times I helped them out, and was left to struggle when I really needed love and support.I am not planning to go back. I have a loving family of my own, so I cut the strings. Love is a two way street, not a race track where you get trampled by your horribly enmeshed siblings all anxious to please a narcisstic father. I recused myself from the family trust, just for my peace of mind. I at least don’t need to worry. How the future with each individual sibling goes, ?

I once heard this quote: Our neuroses cause the most psychic distress when those who inculcated them die and move beyond argument and mercy. This book brought me a lot of peace of mind before and after my father died. It enabled me to share with my father how the past had caused me great pain, but I nonetheless wanted to move beyond that in a more helpful and loving way. He could not hear what I had to say, but being able to articulate it, after reading this book, gave me great peace of mind for many years afterwards. So, when he passed away, I had no regrets about not having tried to heal the relationship. I had done all I could responsibly do; I resolved I was not responsible for the riff that had lasted for two decades. I was free.

This book is by far the most helpful and insightful book I've ever read. I was always indirectly verbally abused by whole life by my father and grandmother in terms of teasing about my physical appearance and calling me sensitive or saying that I know they are just teasing when I would get upset. I would have sever anxiety anytime I had to visit them since I never knew what they were going to pick on me about. The past year I have finally started to talk back and not take the verbal abuse. Because I've stopped taking it and changed the family dynamic, my Father turned to physical abuse a couple days ago. This book is a lifesaver to help me coupe with what happened, how I can move past this incident, and not repeat the cycle of verbal/physical abuse with my future children. My parents divorced when i was around age 8 and after the incident this weekend, my mother is finally telling me all the things he use to do to her when they were married. I've finally realized that being verbally abused by family isn't normal and it should be a safe place where you are accepted. My mother is going to read this book also since her father was also extremely verbally abusive. I'm doing the exercises the book outlines and i'm amazed at how much sadness and anger i have inside. I've finally let go of the facade of having the perfect father. This book will make you cry so I suggest reading it alone to fully soak in a reflect.

I loved this book. It was sad, but it got me through a lot of emotions I had and didn't even realize why I had them. I would recommend this book for any person that feels their parents are mean, makes you feel bad about yourself, makes you feel obligated to them and guilty. The guidelines in it are great. I think Susan Forward knows her stuff!!

I had high hopes for this book from the reviews and the title. I was looking for a book to help me move forward, having realised (finally) just how toxic my parents are and how they have impacted my life. I was looking for something to help me make a new life, break the cycle and start living the life I've wanted. The title seems to offer all that.Half of the book is about describing various types of toxic parents and their impact. Now my parents are quite subtle in their toxicity, it is well hidden - but nevertheless they are toxic. I could not find a good match to the issues that I have with my parents. This isn't great when it has taken years of friends and counsellors helping you see the impact they have on you and you're constancy doubting how bad are they really? Then read a book that almost implies they aren't toxic after all. The check lists given - I could relate to far less than the author suggested I should do if I truly have toxic parents. Again not good, I found myself doubting if I really was just making things up in my head.Worst of all is the issues it raised in my head as a parent myself. Bear in mind, like many in similar situations I'm sure, I was seeking a book that showed me how to be a better parent than I had had myself. I wanted to find a way to break the cycle of emotional detachment and denials. A way to be more supportive as a parent, despite having had a rubbish example set for me. Because I believe that we all worry that we will continue that behaviour, as we know it is a risk and we don't know how else to do things. However, there is very little in this book about how to break the cycle and parenting your own children. At the very end there is 9 pages of anecdotal stories of people who realised they were continuing the legacy with their own children and a very brief description of how each decided to change - no real practical advice. Most upsetting though was that the checklists that I mentioned earlier - when you are paranoid that you are a bad parent it could be all to easy to think that you yourself check many of this list! But without any reassurance that 1) this is typical of the victims of toxic parents themselves - they both can follow their parents patterns or they just worry excessively that they will.2) there is hope that you can break the cycle and find new ways to parent.As a result of all this, I found that I felt very miserable after reading this book. I felt I was failing my children, had no idea how to do things better and that my parents weren't even that toxic - but I clearly was! So not great for a self help book! It is not that I'm in denial of my own issues, I don't think I'm a perfect parent by any means - heck I was actually looking for advise on how to be better! But this book got close to undoing a lot of counselling.Maybe this book is good if you have yet to have children and want to fix yourself before you do, but I would advise those with children already to steer clear.Likewise if you've already realised how toxic your parents are and the impact they've had on your life, you may find the first half of the book surplus to requirements.

Having had a violent upbringing I grew up with a need to understand how,why. Your parents should protect you not assault you,they should nourish you,not starve you,love and cherish you,not treat you with contempt and hatred. This book is an excellent source for someone in my situation,its helps me to 'understand' a bit more about their way of thinking,their reasoning,it helped me to realise I wasn't to blame,there was nothing my siblings or I could have done to prevent their behaviour. I realised the unhappiness they bore and although I will never forgive or forget I have,with the knowledge this book has helps me gain,manages to put my past right where it belongs,in the past! Excellent well written book with a sound and educated base.i have read and re-read it. Well worth the price.

A psychologist friend recommended this and I was sceptical what with a sensationally negative title. But it's a life changing book. The key premise that stunned me is not forgiving and allowing anger to emerge. This goes against the grain of so much advice, but since decades of forgiveness failed and I found myself back to minus square one, I was ready to embrace this. She gives very detailed analysis and advice, including how to deal with elderly parents.

It opened my eyes. Almost changed my life. What do I expect more from a book? (I have been a resilient reader in recent years in order to find the roots of my unhappiness, lack of self-satisfaction, and so on. Finding the roots and then healing myself, freeing myself from them. This book has been one of the influentials that I have read. Really changed my interpretation of my childhood events and helped me to heal. But I believe what one gets from a book is a subjective matter -to somehow- and also matter of the previous books and future books that one read or will read. Yes, you will come back to the notions of this book over and over. )

This has been an amazing book ,it offers many tools and covers an umbrella of issues . Whilst sharing invaluable case studies and insight the author manages to gently guide the reader through each part. She manages to also soothe through the difficult bits somehow providing methods and tools in the process. I feel like I've had 6 months worth of therapy all in one book !I will most definitely be using some of the tools here but also feel empowered to explore ideas and strategies with a counsellor or therapist in the future .Thank you Susan xxxGood luck to all the kids that need this book xxx much love and peace xxx

Top class book. The only one I've found to cover topics such as a parent disinheriting you, siblings reactions to confronting familial problems and protecting yourself emotionally - a necessity sometimes. Ask yourself one question: Are you nervous before meeting or 'phoning your parent(s)? If so, I'd recommend this book.

This book is trully amazing, it opened up new ways of thinking about the parent-child relationship. It will enable you to deal with the hurtful legacy of your childhood and move forward with your life as a self-confident individual.I am hugely impressed by Susan Forward's expert knowledge of the subject. This is not merely a theoretical book but draws on real-world experiences from the author's work as a therapist.If you had a troubled childhood, I strongly recommend reading and following the advice in this book. It has the potential to change your life for the better.

Definately a good read, it really answers some questions for me.My parents were always fighting and they got divorced then got back together over the years. Even now they are re-married but CONSTANTLY fighting.My mum always uses me as a pawn, even as a kid she would tell me every sordid detail of the affairs and the fights. I have since grown up with almost no emotion its wierd.I cant afford a therapist so this is a good start

If only I knew this years ago. Validates my thoughts. Parents are amazing at wreaking havoc on their children. Most times they aren't aware of the impact they have on their children. Highly recommended to those seeking enlightenment.

During my childhood I experienced violent abuse from my father. He was very impulsive and unpredictable; he would hit me over the smallest things. I was always uptight around him, I had to behave in a certain way. For example I was implicitly not allowed to disagree with him.Two years ago I began realising the effects of my childhood on my adult life. I started to see that I had self-damaging behavioural patterns learned from childhood. For example, if I stumbled upon someone I knew then I believed it was my responsibility to divert my attention to them and have an interesting conversation, so that they like me. Or, if I accidentally walked in front of someone in the street, I would feel a small panic, as if I had committed a serious offence and could receive retaliation for it - this was because my father would explode over tiny infringements.This book confirms that my realisations and my anger at my father are well-placed. It explains clearly why children of toxic parents adopt a self-blame or self-shame mindset that they carry onto adulthood. There are dozens of in-depth examples drawn from the author’s work as a therapist. I relate to many of them and the analysis of why they are toxic behaviours is very logical and well-explained. I have stopped seeing any weakness in myself by realising just how damaging toxic parents are.The second half of the book focuses on breaking free from the influence of your toxic childhood. There is lots of specific practical advice. For example, the chapter on confrontation has lots of information on logistics (where/when/how) as well as the obviously-important emotional aspect of confronting your parents.An absolutely wonderful book. I learned a lot from even from chapters that focus on toxic behaviours which I did not experience. Thank you to Susan Forward and Craig Buck.

Interesting book to show us how our parents affect our life and the ongoing effect. It is good to realize that, what formed today's me and what from my parents are still bothering me and how to find a way to solve the problem and heartache. I was actually upset for quite a few days after I read this book. Then I felt I walked out of it and this book really helped refresh how I think about my parents. I know their shortcomings and in the years they have hurt my feelings deeply, but I found a way to live with it and turn it into strength that to control myself from doing the same to my daughter.

A well written book with plenty of real life examples, giving it relevance to everyday problems. Even if your parents aren't toxic, I guarentee some people in your world will either have (or be) toxic parents. The reader is introduced to the spectrum of toxic families - from clingers, emotional blackmailers, paedophiles and addicts. If you have a soft heart it's probably best to skip some of the worst cases.Once toxic patterns are identified the legacy they leave in children are explained, with questionaires to help the reader recognise dysfunctional thinking.Finally there is a section on healthy thinking and behaviours, in which the adult child can detach somewhat from their parents and resolve issues - in many of the examples given a self-help book will be inadequate and a therapist would be needed.This book was recommended to me to help me understand the difficulties faced by my partner with respect to his family. Certainly it helped me get what's been going on in our lives and relate better to the hardships he's facing.

It's disturbing when you realise how many parents should not be parents!

If you are struggling with your relationship with your parent/s and feel as though they may be a "toxic" force in your life, this book is definitely worth a read. In the first half she describes a lot of scenarios using transcripts from her patients. This is really helpful because it helps us identify problems we may be having and opens our eyes to issues we may not have noticed. A lot of her patients don't realise they have been abused or mistreated, obviously if you are purchasing this book you are probably quite sure you have been, but these stories serve to further understand our childhoods and even present day relationship with our parent/s.The second half is extremely helpful if not the most important section of the book. The author describes methods to help us cope and deal with this hurtful/dangerous parent/s. Its painful at times but I recommend doing all the exercises she presents as they do help even if you don't understand it in that moment. Also it is very useful to use this book in therapy.

This is a really fascinating book. It offers some very thoughtful perspectives on how parents work (the toxic kind, at least) and how other people involved would behave depending on whether they side with the offender or otherwise. One word of warning is that this book may trigger a few flashbacks, so don't be too surprised if you find a few hidden feelings resurface. I'd highly recommend this book, though. For something that was published in the 1980s it has aged incredibly well.