How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends: Revised And Updated

Where to start, about a subject as important to everyone as getting along with others, and making friends?I bought this book and read it from cover to cover, and completely agree that everything he says makes nothing but sense, and is very helpful in enabling people to better negotiate the ins and outs of getting along in public discourse.But there is one area that is directly related to this subject that neither he nor any other author who writes about making conversation, and thus, making friends, ever even alludes to.They all pretend that there is a "level playing field," and everybody would be totally receptive to someone who was able to display all of the skills he mentions, about attracting others, and being an interesting conversation partner, etc.But the fact is that the playing field is anything but level.I have been accused of being extremely outgoing and friendly almost all of my life, and yet, I recently experienced a situation that absolutely dumbfounded me, as far as getting along with others, and I simply could not understand what in the world had happened.Even someone such as myself, who had never knowingly felt hesitant to approach someone to try to befriend them, can be easily thrown for a loop, and their social capability completely undermined, simply by running into someone who doesn't respond to our efforts to be friendly and outgoing.In essence, I'm referring to someone who simply won't talk, or can't talk. They can't respond to any comment or question you may ask of them, much beyond a yes or no.But of course, you are not aware of this. If someone doesn't respond to a friendly inquiry with an equally friendly response, we assume that there is something about us that they find objectionable, and it causes us to pull back.It doesn't occur to us that the fault might be entirely with them, and not ourselves, because we just make the benign assumption that everybody we meet is equally intelligent, or at least capable of responding normally.But this is often a big mistake, even if we don't realize it. We may be confronted with someone who doesn't respond in a friendly manner - not because there's anything wrong with us, but because there's something wrong with him.I'm talking about a mental health issue that affects over 17 million American adults, which renders them unable to adequately interact with others in social conversation, which is called Social Anxiety, or Social Phobia, and is devastating, not only to those who have it, but also to anybody they come into contact with on a daily basis; namely, us, the general public.The way it negatively affects somebody such as myself, is that inasmuch as the victims of this disorder appear for all the world to be completely normal, as to their general appearance and demeanor, so we just assume that they are normal, and proceed to attempt to talk to them, and expect to have our questions and comments reciprocated, as we feel it within our right to expect to happen.But the fact is that we sometimes do not get the response we expect to get, and we immediately assume that we, ourselves, have some sort of problem.We may get a response that is odd, or confused, or has no bearing on the question we asked.For some reason, our natural reaction is to think that we failed to adequately get our question across, and it's all our fault.This is absolutely mind-boggling in the effect it has on a normal person, because he invariably assumes that the problem is with himself, when in fact, he has no problem whatsoever. But he is convinced that he suddenly has developed this totally bewildering loss of ability to relate to other people, because he isn't getting any feedback to his efforts to even have a casual conversation. He can't seem to get a sensible answer to almost anything he says, and this begins to seriously take its toll on your mental health.In my case, I found myself in a situation where I was literally surrounded by people with this condition, and had no idea of anything at all about it:I had joined the Men's Club at a golf course I played frequently, and this situation manifested itself shortly after I became involved. I didn't put two and two together right away, and did not realize that something was desperately amiss, and in fact, it took me several years to become aware that things just weren't right.Just imagine the thoughts that would go through your mind if you suddenly found yourself in the midst of people who did not react to your questions or comments as if they understood what you were saying.If you only ran into an occasional person who didn't react appropriately to your attempts to talk to them, it would stand out as being an anomaly. But if this is more often the norm, rather than the exception, you become completely confused, and think that the problem is surely with yourself, because it doesn't seem possible that everyone around you has suddenly lost their sanity.And yet, that was almost exactly what had happened.Except that it wasn't actually a case of anything happening suddenly; this had been the situation for quite some time, within this particular group of people, but it was just that I was newly injected into that atmosphere, and I was the one who didn't fit in.Of course, not everyone I ran into had this problem. But enough of them did, that it was extremely confusing, and made me seriously concerned about my own mental condition.Just to be clear: At the time it is happening, you are not aware that you are surrounded by people with mental problems. You don't figure this out until much later. All you are aware of is that you are having great difficulty in trying to deal with the people you encounter on a daily basis. You suspect that something has gone terribly wrong, but you aren't sure exactly what it is.The thing that makes it so totally confusing is that not everyone you encounter reacts in this way. Some people act perfectly normally, and you wonder if the problem isn't actually with yourself.But then, the next person you attempt to talk to, you get this strange, mysterious sense of a complete inability to penetrate through to their mind, and receive an acknowledging response that would indicate that they understand what you are saying.If you receive a response at all, it is often very odd, and completely unrelated to what you have just said.No matter how "together" anyone may appear to be on the surface, it is incredible how completely you can be fooled, because they are experts at disguising the fact that they have any problem whatsoever.Or rather, most of us tend to just automatically assume that we're dealing with someone who can respond normally to our questions or comments, and when we happen to run into someone who cannot, they're certainly not going to volunteer that they have a problem. They will just let us continue to assume that they are perfectly OK.In an effort to be brief, let me just say that there are many more people than you would ever imagine who simply cannot respond to any overture you might make to even try to talk to them. They literally can't put a sentence together of much more than 4 or 5 words, but we may very well be trying to chat them up, and not have a clue that there is any problem whatsoever. They can, however, usually say a few words, such as, "I don't know," and this tends to disguise the fact that this is pretty much all they can say.In most cases, when we receive only a brief few words in response to a question we have asked, we don't get unduly alarmed; we just assume that the person we are talking to is someone of few words, or not particularly talkative.But after awhile, when we realize that we virtually never succeed in getting any sort of back-and-forth conversation going, we start to suspect that there has to be a reason for it.Speaking only for myself, and speaking especially about my state of mind before I became fully aware of how pervasive the problem was, I had no reason to suspect anything untoward, or any actual reason for this reluctance that I so frequently encountered, to have what I regarded as a normal, give-and-take conversation between two people who belonged to the same golf club.I don't remember specifically what did it, but at some point the full realization hit me that these people just simply could not talk, and I was almost literally surrounded by them!This is a devastating state of affairs, especially for the ones afflicted with this condition, but it also causes almost complete confusion to anybody attempting to communicate with them.And if I, who usually has no problem at all in communicating with people, can get so confused in trying to deal with someone who simply can't respond, how would you imagine that would affect someone who was already unsure of their own social abilities, and was actually trying to reach out and connect with others, and ran into one of these poor unfortunate souls?In fact, this condition may not even be so much of a problem to those who have it. After all, they have had the problem for a long time - probably every day of their life - and have surely learned, in that time, how to deal with it.But to the other people of society, who don't have any idea that they have encountered someone who simply cannot respond to anything they say with an appropriate response, it is bewildering.And so, it is very often the case that all the rules are out the window, such as he describes in such great detail in this book, simply because we may very well be trying to have a conversation with someone who doesn't have a prayer of being able to talk to us, or to anybody else.But the big, overwhelming obstacle is, first of all, to be made aware of this whole situation before we can even attempt to solve it, which puts us back to square one, of trying to learn how to meet and converse with and befriend others.But the damage to our fragile psyche has been done - to the extent that we will no longer fully trust anybody we meet in the future, because we will be very much aware that we may be talking to someone who might never be able to understand, or respond, and that is extremely sad - for them, and for us.If there is any plus at all to be gained from this situation, it is only that we do invariably learn from our daily experiences.About the only thing one can say is that once we've incurred an incident such as this, we at least recognize it as being something that has happened to us before, and we are not caught completely flat-footed.Since it is a familiar situation, we can quietly acknowledge to ourselves that it is simply something that is happening yet once again, and not be surprised or taken aback.

I am a pastor who has a gift of gab and a number of friends, some of them close. My sister (who is the ultimate friendly person) and I were raised by parents who knew how to converse well, so we picked up these skills in a natural setting. We are both real schmoozers. My wife is also highly relational. So, unlike many self-help book reviewers, I am reviewing from a different perspective: I did not read this book for personal growth reasons (I do read books on other subjects to address my weak spots, however), but to try to help instruct others who struggle here.For many years, I have dealt with folks who wanted to learn to converse and make friends. When one is brought up with those skills, it becomes difficult to enumerate exactly what it is we talkers do. When I read, "How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends," I said to myself, "Yep. This is a lot of what we (and many other people strong in this area) do." Gabor has organized and put into outline form the most basic principles of conversation and friendship initiation. And that is a whole lot more helpful than saying, "I don't know. We just do it!"Gabor also allows for differing personalities and relational styles. Although we may have to leave our comfort zone (in time, change becomes comfortable), we need to be who we are and converse with others based upon who they are.Please understand that this book is limited in its scope. It can help people initiate friendships, but it does not direct one toward relational depth. This book can help folks make a number of casual friends but not necessarily close friends. For deeper communication, I suggest William Backus' book, "Telling Each Other the Truth," a volume that addresses matters like conflict resolution, honesty, etc. Gabor's book is not really intended to guide you into relational depth. It does a great job for its intent: helping you chat better and initiate the early stages of friendship. For some folks, their instincts may kick in at that point. Others will need to study further.The other limitation of this book (and there is no way to avoid it) is that the directives can be overwhelming because of their sheer volume. My advice is to choose a few areas to work on. Once those practices are incorporated and become second nature, then it is time to add a few more. In a sense, the book is arranged in order of importance, with the early chapters being the most crucial to master. I recommend starting at the beginning.In addition to Gabor's insights, I suggest hanging around and imitating those who seem to have it together in these departments. There is nothing quite like seeing conversation in action and then telling oneself to "go and do likewise." It may seem awkward at first, but, in time, it can become second nature. Some folks (who have difficulty choosing the right words) might even consider practicing a conversation in an empty room, almost memorizing a script.On quotable section reads, "Most shy people take the passive role when it comes to starting conversation. They wait and wait and wait, hoping someone will come along and start a conversation with them..."He emphasizes that communication consists mostly of body language, then tone or voice, and, lastly, words.Here is some simplistic but crucial advice, "Use plenty of eye contact, smile, and, above all, keep your arms uncrossed and your hands away from your face."The book consists of 15 chapters divided into 4 sections. The sections are: Starting Your Conversation with Confidence. Continuing Your Conversation with Wit and Charm, Ending Your Conversation with a Great Impression, and Boosting Your Conversation to the Next Level.The last chapter lists his 50 main points, some of which include, "Be the first to say hello, Introduce yourself to others, Show others you are listening by restating their comments, and Beware of open and closed body language."This book is not rocket science (though filled with details), but it is a good place to start. Although I consider myself strong in the conversation department, I admit that I did pick up a pointer or two. Go for it.

I brought this for my really shy granddaughter

While I found a lot of the book to be repetitive, repetition is what make you remember things. All my life I have frowned...well, not frowned, but my facial muscles in their relaxed state do make it look like I'm frowning. I never realized how much that affects how others view me...and how it affects their attitude around me. Just by adding a little upward tension in in my cheek area, it makes my face look so much more like I'm in a good mood, and I noticed the first day that I tried this the instant reaction this had on others. So now I have to remember to do this constantly (aw, my aching face!), but it definitely works, and maybe one day my muscles won't hurt from trying to look pleasant all the time. This is a weird perspective, isn't it? LOL, I know, but to me it's even weirder that I have gone through my entire life not realizing that because people THINK I'm frowning that it has turned them off from wanting to interact with me. Sore cheeks are a small price to pay.Hopefully this will help someone else in a similar situation. =)Other than that, yes he has much more to say and I have tried applying some of it. The parts I try do seem to work. Again, repetition is key.I was not crazy about the social media sections of the book, but not because he was off the mark...more because it was not what I was looking for. I didn't knock any stars off for that, as I did find the book very helpful, and can't expect everything in every book I read to apply to my current needs.

Targeted, clear, and useful tips por gaining conversation skills. Really easy to read, and to understand, with multiple examples. Really happy with the purchase!

works great

The cover page of the book is very thin, both front and back page is opening up. Pleae see the picture. I tried couple of occasion with reverse folding the front and back coverd and even kept weight on the book.Very irritating to see the cover page half opened when kept on table. Please send me a new book and take back this one. Having spent around Rs.900/- quality is lost.

If you're looking for deepening the conversations you have with people, go for this book. IT HAS EVERYTHING RELATED TO CONVERSATION.

Really good info in the book :D