Cinderella and Her Sisters - The Envied and the Envying

Why did Salieri plot to destroy Mozart? Why are Cinderella's three sisters so inhumanly cruel to her?Not only is this one of the best books on the vice of Envy, it is one of the only books on the subject. This alone makes it valuable.It is insightful for those who aren't even aware of the perniciousness of envy and how it underlies anger, violence, hatred, and other human vices, making it even worse than these.The first half of the book is the best part, and particularly insightful for lay persons. The second half is directed toward therapists, and is helpful in this regard, but with flaws (in my opinion).The solutions offered are those that suit a Christian audience, or a religious one. And this is where things get weak, in my opinion.When the author offers rather highfalutin solutions to being envied, he misses the simplest grassroots approach to the problem.The simplest approach is to tell the envier where to get off, to rebuff them utterly and remove them from one's life. It is not, as the author thinks, to philosophize with them over their vices, hoping to redeem them over tea and biscuits.All the psychology and philosophy must be done in the privacy of one's own mind, and out of reach of the envier, who in my opinion can never change their ways. Nor have we the right to interfere with their minds ,changing them in any way.It seems as if Christians convert to their religion to immediately recast themselves as fixers and experts on evil. They are nowhere near the mark, and are in fact the CAUSE of most of the world's evil.We are to let enviers be exactly who they are and what they want to be. We are to let them carry on until their final moments of auto-destruction.The envier is the most deadly creature there is, the moral equivalent of the murderer or rapist. As deviants they must be punished, not forgiven or "understood."The syndrome of envy must be understood at all costs, because most of us are infected with it. By knowing what it is. we exorcise fragments of it from our own being. But this is not the same thing as forgiving deeply envious people, or the destruction they seek to wreak.Of course, it comes down to a person's own choice of direction. If one wishes to remain entangled with deviant people it's their choice. For me, the healthy approach is to leave them to themselves. Drop them cold and move on. In today's world this may be the difference between life and death, success or ruin.My main critique is, therefore, that Christian doctrine and outlooks are wanting when it comes to offering solutions to evil. They are often naive, contradictory and idealistic.Not once does the author cite an actual case in which a chronically envious creature was "cured" or "rehabilitated." This is because there are no such cases. It's not possible to fix evil. This is an illusion that has long swept the world, purveyed by Christians who have succeeded in bringing colossal evil to the planet, principally by "forgiving" it time and again.It is a noble task to take on the problem of envy, but it will take more than a "Scott Peck" approach to really do the subject justice.This insightful book is, however, a great start and well worth the time.*** *** ***

This book blew me away! It explained so much to me about the situations I've found myself in, both of being envied by others and of envying others. But it wasn't just personal; as I read along I began to realize that envy - the feeling that others have a "good" that one cannot have oneself, and the resultant desire to destroy that "good" so they can't have it either, instead of going out and seeking/creating good in one's own life - is the root of terrorism and many other social ills.This is the kind of book that one reads slowly. I had to put it down after every page, sometimes every paragraph, and think about what I'd just read. I've now recommended it to several people and my book club, and I can't wait to discuss it with them.Caveat: the middle section is aimed at therapists. This is not a "self-help" book and there's no Ulanov Diet for how to rid yourself of unwanted envy, but stick with it. I was sure the second half of the book, in which Ann Belford Ulanov puts on her theologian hat and discusses envy from a spiritual viewpoint, would be of less interest to me, but I found it to be both thought-provoking and personally useful.My copy's now on loan to a friend, but as soon as I get it back, I intend to re-read it, because this book is so rich in insight that I'm sure I missed some things the first time around.

Ulamov decribes specific ways envy takes shape in our lives and offers insights to unravel the mess of knotted projections. Very helpful for me as I delve into the messiness of my life. Using the faerytale Cinderella, Ulanov identifies how envy can control relationships. My biggest ah-ha? When I withhold the good someone thinks I have, I create a crucible that heats up an already ugly situation.

In my research into the experience of envy and the envied I have not found another source that describes it so thoroughly.As the target of a younger sister's malicious envy, this book provided the best account of my own experience and provide a depth of understanding and insight into hers and the impact on our family.As a therapist I will be recommending it to those who struggle to understand the toxic and exasperating effects of trying to resolve the unresolvable envy of another.Thank you

This is a fascinating study on the psychological dynamics of those who envy and the object of their envy. I would recommend this book for anyone who is in an envy-laden relationship.

I bought this book because it came highly recommended by a colleague. I read a lot, am a word lover, and have a masters degree in Psychology and still I found some of this book difficult to understand. It's definitely not an easy read! There is some useful information in the beginning, particularly about the effects on a child when they are the focus of parental envy. The second half of the book is about the theology of envy, which I skipped because it is not of interest to me.

Envy is too often the elephant in the living room--the unspoken dynamic that spoils relationships, taints experiences, and creates a poisonous blend of pleasure, hostility, and guilt. It's toxicity is oddly unacknowledged in both self-help and clinical literature.In this elegant exposition, the authors explore the presence and the impact of envy--the cost to the envied a well as the envying--and the pathways to self-acceptance, forgiveness, and transformation. A thoughtful and challenging work.

a good book to read if you've been or are the envied one. Also helpful if you envy others. Helped put things in perspective.

Got completely hooked in reading the first few pages - brilliant read and well written!

This an interesting and thought provoking study of a subject which is under examined in the psychotherapeutic literature. Unusually it examines envy from the perspective of the envied as well as the envier, rather than just the sufferer of the painful emotion. The authors have also looked at the subject from both a psychological and theological perspective.

A brilliant observation of a classic fairy tale. Makes sense of our struggle to accept goodness when we see it, to believe in it and to hold on to it in the face of obstacles in life. A must read for anyone doing therapy or giving therapy.

Ridiculously moralizing. "Poor countries are jealous of rich countries who help them", she says. Very 1950's. Too bad since the topic was so interesting to me.

Amazing, amazing book.