Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn, Revised Edition (Series in Death, Dying, and Bereavement)

A great resource for understanding the differences in male and female grieving experiences.

Kenneth J. Doka is highly distinguished in the field of death studies. He is a professor of gerontology at the College of New Rochelle's graduate school, New York, an ordained Lutheran minister, and a prolific writer (twenty-nine books and over one hundred book chapters and articles). He is editor of Omega: The Journal of Death and Dying, and of Journeys: A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement, and serves as a senior advisor to the Hospice Foundation of American (HFA). He is a past president of the Association of Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) and sits on the board of directors for the International Work Group on Dying, Death, and Bereavement (chairing from 1997-1999). He consults with numerous organizations concerned with the social, psychological, and biological aspects of caring for the aged and dying.Terry L. Martin is associate professor of Psychology and Thanatology at Hood College, Frederick, Maryland, and the director for that school's Thanatology program. He is a Certified Grief Therapist, is also widely published, and consults with local hospices and nursing homes. In addition to teaching, he maintains a private practice focusing on dying and grief-related issues.Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve is a revision of Doka and Martin's (2010) previous work, Men Don't Cry, Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes of Grief, first published in 1999. Revised to provide more clarity and insight into the ways people grieve, the authors define grieving as an on-going internal process shaped by culture, personality, and gender during which the griever will experience their loss in very personal and unique ways, contending there is no one correct way to grieve. In fact, they cite numerous examples pointing to strong biases within the helping professions, primarily that unless one is expressing loss through expression of feelings, one is either in denial or at best, poorly coping. Early work in grief and bereavement focused on an assumption that there is a normal way to grieve, that getting through it involved an outward expression of feeling, and those whose expressions were otherwise must be in some kind of trouble--an approach highly disenfranchising to people termed instrumental grievers (those who have learned to function in a more cognitive and less affective way). Considered a "must-read" for those who work with men and adolescent boys, on-going research suggests patterns of grieving are strongly influenced by gender, but not determined by it--so it is equally disenfranchising to assume that all women or all men grieve in specific patterns. Written primarily for helping professionals who find themselves in contact with grief and bereavement in some form, the authors expand on their thought-provoking model, clearly pointing readers to the most critical component for developing a broader understanding of the grieving process: "Not only must we recognize what the mourner's needs are, we must be aware that not meeting them not only doesn't help, but actually hurts" (Doka & Martin, 2010, Kindle edition, Loc 210).The book is neatly organized in building-block fashion, with the first section (five chapters) setting forth clear definitions of loss ("being deprived of or ceasing to have something that one formerly possessed or was attached to" (Loc 547)), bereavement (`a state in which something has been violently taken away" (Loc 604)), and grief:Grief arises as a reaction to loss. Specifically, grief can be defined as the psychic energy that results from tension created by an individual's strong desire to1. Maintain his or her assumptive world as it was before the loss2. Accommodate to a newly emerging reality resulting from his or her loss3. Incorporate this new reality into an emerging assumptive world (Loc 627)Several illustrations help by highlighting feedback mechanisms involved in grieving and adapting within a looped system (thus debunking the myth that one must somehow get over or complete their grieving at some point and go on with life and matters of the living). Doka and Martin (2010) clarify that we continually adjust for the remainder of our lives to life events that impact us as loss. Discussion turns to the affect vs. intellect continuum, assigning the terms intuitive (those who tend to adapt through going with their emotions and generally have a greater need for social support) and instrumental (those who tend to adapt primarily through thinking and kinetic activity, generally not expressing or experiencing emotions other than anger), respectively, to flesh out ways people grieve in variations of these patterns. The final chapter in this section discusses dissonant patterns of grief--a "persistent way of expressing grief that is at odds with the griever's primary internal experience' (Loc 2012). A lack of harmony or congruence between the inner state and outer expression, if carried on long enough, can result in dissonance, or ineffective grieving, often resulting in complications.Section two (three chapters) discusses the various ways personality (grounded in Jungian theory), gender role socialization, and cultural influences may shape patterns of grieving, and the final section of the book (three chapters) focuses on implications for helping professionals, strategies for intervention and self-help, and wraps up with a final chapter to summarize this important work. A grief pattern inventory tool is provided in the appendices and includes item analysis and scoring material.This work is insightful, thought-provoking, and often prompted reflection on my own grief work (the life-long process of integrating and adapting to loss). Written in an easy style and peppered throughout with examples demonstrating the theory and model set forth, it has value for anyone in the helping professions involved in grief and bereavement work (clergy, social work, counselors, physicians, nurses, volunteers, even emergency services personnel). One reviewer found the authors tended to strongly identify intuitive with the feminine and instrumental with the masculine, and some discussions in the text are connected to references of men and women, all of which may suggest they have yet to get completely beyond gender (von Kellenbach, 2010). This review underscores the value of the work, but argues that maintaining a stance of separation or separate-but-equal styles of grieving pinned to gender identification does little to break down gender barriers and stereotypes, citing an overly simplistic approach to gender analysis in grieving.In the final analysis, Doka and Martin (2010) do emphasize up front these concepts are particularly necessary for those working with men and adolescent boys and although they refer often to their position that gender influences but does not determine grieving style, it may be that scrapping gender references while discussing patterns and the model as they argue it will clear any confusion. The message more simply stated is not unclear: "...instrumental grievers have thinking as their superior function, whereas intuitive grievers have feeling as their superior function" (Loc 2500). That we grieve in patterns likely influenced by personality, gender role socialization, and culture along a continuum between feeling and thinking and that we may experience a variety of reactions impacting affect, cognition, behavior, and spiritual understanding can hardly be argued. Most importantly, the crux of the authors' message seems to be this: if we continue to hold to the obviously existing bias toward affect and so-called normal grief work, we certainly risk perpetuating gender and other death-and-dying-related myths, in the end unwittingly disenfranchising those we seek to assist.ReferencesDoka, K. J., & Martin, T. L. (2010). Grieving beyond gender: Understanding the ways men and women mourn (Kindle edition). New York, NY: Taylor & Francis Group, LLCVon Kellenbach, K. (2010). Review of Kenneth J. Doka, Terry L. Martin, grieving beyond gender: Understanding the ways men and women mourn. Journal of Men, Masculinities, & Spirituality, (4)2, 97-99.

The authors provide a different perspective on grief and the relationship gender. Characteristics of grief are influenced by many things including gender, culture and family practices just to name a few. The information included in this book is valuable for grief counselors and the general public. Great informational and practical application resource.

I got this book a day before it was due to be here! I am super pleased. :)

Great price and fast shipping! :)