How to Be a Footballer

ok.

When I first started following football in 2006 I immediately identified with Peter Crouch. "Here's a tall, skinny lad (just like me 6'5") who is amazing to watch on the pitch (not like me)!" I was a fan from them on.This book is downright hilarious, poignant and wonderfully self-deprecating. There is nothing too sacred in the world of football that Crouch won't skewer. So many laugh out loud moments. Thank you, Peter!

For anyone who has been following the game in the last twenty years, this book is an enjoyable part-biographical, part-expose look into the life of a footballer. There are numerous funny tales, and Crouchy seems to be one of the last of a dying breed of the drinking football culture. This is definitely not the Roy Keane book as there are no earth-shattering revelations, but it’s a fun light-hearted page-turner that’ll keep you entertained.

Peter Crouch has played at all levels of English football, including the national team, and seen the funny side of it all. His book offers a humorous insider's view of the sport, the players, and the business of pro football. For anyone who loves the "beautiful game," it's not to be missed.

An absolutely fantastic read-lots of brilliant stories that just keep you laughing. You can hear him tell you the stories in his own voice. Off now to read James Milner’s book

A nice read about life in football without the typical ugly opinions of people. I like Crouch - he always seems to give his best, often under rated. This book is a good read for anyone from any club.

If you've listened to the podcast, there's a number of crossover stories. However the book is well written and engaging. You'll find yourself laughing out loud.

Great book with very interesting insights into the world of professional football. If you are fan of the podcasts you will enjoy the book

While Peter Crouch has been a pretty big name in football for a number of years he has never played for a team that I support, so I mainly knew him as “the player with a good touch for a tall guy who can do the robot”Add to this the fact that he has now got a very successful podcast that I have never listened to (but some are saying this is a help for the book, as some of the stories have been told on the podcast already) and you may be wondering why I even decided to read this book. To be honest, I wonder about that myself.It probably has something to do with Romesh Ranganathan saying he was one of the funniest people he knows. Otherwise it might just be the influence of others saying how much fun the book was. Either way, I ordered it, and read it soon after.While this is called How to be a Footballer I did somehow still expect this to be a bit more of a memoir, but it is more a case of “does what it says on the tin book. Anecdotes from over 20 years as a professional footballer. So less autobiography, more funny stories. It’s a bit of a win win.The book generally reads as a bit of a good idea vs bad idea. I write this in the hope that you have seen Animaniacs..Most of these are decisions that Peter or former team mates have made. For example getting tattooed, but not checking that the tattoo is correct before it being permanently etched into your skin. Or in Peter’s case buying a snazzy new car but then showing off to Roy Keane at a set of lights… (yes, bad idea).The book is divided into roughly 25 sections and he discusses everything from Superstitions and Tattoos to Social Media and… Hair Cuts. There are of course many references to Peter’s aforementioned dance moves. Peter definitely shows that he is able to make fun of himself throughout but he also pokes fun at one or two ex team mates. I only hope they are happy to be included.Some of my favourite sections were; Tattoos – Peter discusses why he has never gotten a tattoo and makes some solid arguments. Backing some of his reasons up with some brilliant real life tattoos from other footballers. Cars – Some great stories about the cars of footballers. Stephen Ireland may not want to read this section. Celebrations – See aforementioned Robot Celebration Social Media – Peter talks about how to do it right. Just like him. 😉While Peter is pretty funny throughout I find it hard to agree with some of what he says, but what do I know. I’m nor a footballer or a celebrity. The book is mostly funny but some of the sections dragged a bit and I wanted to rush past them to get back to the good bits. Written quite well overall, and has more good moments than bad ones. Would recommend to anyone who has an interest in football. There isn’t much here for anyone who doesn’t.

Peter Crouch is blessed with that rare ability among sports people - the ability to be self-deprecating. That comes across very well in 'How To Be A Footballer' which paints the striker as a very likeable and self-effacing chap who openly mocks some of the absurdities of the game. His attacks on the mindless 'individuality' of the tattoo that every player gets as soon as they sign a professional contract, while diverse subjects like cars, clothes and team buses also get a keen insight from Crouch. What makes it so enjoyable is that Crouch played at the top of the game, but always remained grounded, perhaps massively underappreciated by the football fans. He touches on the rather nasty abuse he gets and how he has had to succeed against the odds; not many managers or fans seemed to have much time for a 6ft 7in striker and he works especially hard to win them over. But this isn't a 'woe-is-me' piece; for the majority of the book he talks about how blessed he's been to enjoy a life that most could only dream about. Along the way there are some quality nuggets about Djibril Cisse, that utterly bonkers legend still adored by us LFC fans, and his very unusual ways, there is a withering account of how Roy Keane put him in his place, how he will never be able to holiday in Trinidad & Tobago and many other brilliant stories. Not a demanding read nor should it need to be, but Crouch's effortless writing style and genuine charm is what makes it so pleasant to read.

How to Be a Footballer is a fun look at the crazy world of elite football. If you're coming into this looking for a traditional autobiography, you'll be disappointed. This is more of a series of anecdotes grouped by categories such as cars, tattoos and haircuts. Fans of That Peter Crouch podcast will be familiar with the style, and also quite a lot of the content.Anyway, all that to say it's not a traditional autobiography but that doesn't mean its not a good read. Crouch The has a great self-deprecating style that is engaging and funny throughout, and the stories themselves are great fun. It's amazing what some of these footballers get up to...While the whole books entertaining and easy to dip in and out of the strongest parts of the story are where Crouch is talking about himself. Not only the funny stories, like the time he bought a flash car then stopped at some traffic lights next to Roy Keane, but also the more personal ones. You never really think about how some of the grief these players get affects them, and some of the stories of the abuse he got when he was starting out are horrible. Especially when you see what a genuinely lovely guy he seems to be.So, yeah. Well worth a read even if Crouchie has never played for you team or you only have a passing interest in the beautiful game.

Hilarious and honest. Loved it. A must read for any football fan. Straight on to his next one. Crouch just comes across as top top bloke.

Peter Crouch has never played for any of 'my teams', but his promo events seemed pleasant enough with a smattering of self-deprecating humour. Waited for the pre-Christmas price to come down, and have to say that it was a very enjoyable read. His style is surprisingly light and easy to read, and I was regularly moving on to the next chapter when I really should have got on with 'stuff'. The chapters are all self-contained, so it's easy to keep dipping into without having to follow a narrative. The humour is pleasant, rather than 'laugh out loud', but I liked it more for all that - PC didn't seem to be 'trying too hard' to be liked, yet he is because of that. Some interesting insights into a world that we watch and read about, but have little real knowledge of. Particularly surprised (although on reflection it is obvious) about the isolation and loneliness of 'on loan' players who don't really feel part of the permanent or temporary club. Also, nice insight into the 'loyalty' or otherwise of managers who are people-oriented, but still paid only for success. Good read for any football fan (but I'm still not a Liverpool or any of his other teams' fan - sorry! Would probably be 5 stars if I was)