The Other Side of Desire: Four Journeys into the Far Realms of Lust and Longing

Q: What's the difference between weird and kinky?A: Weird is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.That's essentially what you get with this book, but what is weird, and what is kinky? Where's the break line, and who gets to define where the line is? What is it like if you're on the "wrong" side?I came to this book after reading Mary Roach's outstanding  Bonk . The two are very different in content and approach, but the core subject is still the same, and the two complement each other quite well. I recommend Roach's book be read first, one because it's better written and more entertaining, and two because it's a better overview and serves as a good foundation from which to explore.This book is about what Bergner calls "eros," the fringes of desire, or to be much more direct, sexual desire. The heart of the book asks what is a fetish, and when does it become a liability? How does one end up saddled with an overpowering fetish, or urge? And most importantly, is such a fetish normal or abnormal?There are four real-world observations--these aren't nearly direct and detail-laden enough to be called "case studies"--on that edge. One reader will call these people sick or twisted or even evil, while another might just place them in the decidedly flatter areas of the traditional bell curve of human sexuality. Bergner's biggest success in this book is that he provides no solid judgment of his own as to whether these folks are wrong/right or normal/deviant; the reader is left to make that determination, if such a determination is even appropriate.This is definitely an adult read, 18+. This is not a book about sex freaks, no parade of the sick, twisted and thoroughly abnormal, which may disappoint some. While not prurient or jaw-dropping--the coprophilia bit might wake you up--the general subject matter is decidedly adult and the specifics of these aspects of sexuality make this reading for the mature adult, ideally one who is already somewhat familiar with various aspects at the more distant ranges of sexuality. There is nothing really shocking here, but if you don't know what "BDSM" means, or if you've never heard of a foot fetish, you'll be lost from the start.The four observations are of a foot fetishist, an S&M dominatrix, a convicted pedophile, and an acrotomophiliac (a "devotee" of amputees and paralysis victims).The foot guy I saw as in deep and maddening denial, unhappy and giving in to think of himself as too many others see him, as a sick freak. His fetish has got him a bit dysfunctional, yeah, but he's not sick, just wired differently. In many ways, his story was the saddest, as he was letting others define him and control him, rather than just being himself.The dominatrix embraces her "role," but nowhere does she actually admit "I like hurting people. I like humiliating people." She cloaks her justification in new-age BS about empowerment and freedom, all nebulous and euphemistic gunk that doesn't offer what I suspect her truth is: she gets a sexual charge out of inflicting pain and humiliation upon others. (But nothing's wrong with that, as long as everybody is willing, and getting out of the exchange what they want.)The pedophile's case in many ways is the most accessible. There are aspects of it that are truly ambiguous, while there are others that purely black and white. Bergner provides all kinds of information showing that female physical sexual maturity (puberty/menstruation) comes on early as a result of evolution, and that a male response to this highly visible change is in its own way normal. This smashes against Western societal and cultural norms, as well as set-in-stone legal statutes. While male desire may be awakened, and brought to life just as nature intends it to, acting upon it, while "normal" in a scientifically notional way, is flat-out illegal, and you deserve everything you get if you allow yourself to take that path. Blaming the victim, as we get here, is nothing but wrong.The amputee/paralysis guy seems to me to be the most honest and straightforward. Sure, he's on the edge of what is normal (yes, what exactly constitutes sexually normal is one of the points of the book), but his actions are not exploitive, nor are they unethical, immoral or illegal. He's found something he enjoys, and he embraces it completely. And it seems the handicapped recipients of this attention also are being tended to fairly and appropriately.Some comments on this book have used "florid" to describe Bergner's work, and I agree. Some of his contextualizing is too maudlin, relying too much on detailed descriptions of settings, right down to describing office furniture, plants and wall decorations, as if they had something to do with the subjects at hand. At times, some of the contextual narrative came off as sappy human interest TV, without the video.Bottom line: if the relatively detailed dynamics and vagaries of human sexuality interest you, then this is a book for you. If you're shy and uncomfortable with open discussion of any aspect of, well, you know, then this book might really really work for you, if you're reading it secretly, that is. But if way down deep you don't want to hear about other people's sexual proclivities, yearnings well outside what they taught you about in 7th grade health class, and how those non-mainstream feelings may have developed and become overpowering forces in those people's lives, and that some of these folks are actually very happy with the way things have turned out, then get out your  Saturday Evening Post  back-issues, and you'll be all set.

Journalist Daniel Bergner has a knack for getting inside his subject matter, which often focuses on the edgy extremes where most of us will never venture in real life, and about which little has been written.  In the Land of Magic Soldiers: A Story of White and Black in West Africa  gave us a glimpse of Africa's poorest and most violence-ravaged nation, Sierra Leone. In  God of the Rodeo: The Quest for Redemption in Louisiana's Angola Prison , Bergner introduced us to the rodeo champions of Angola Penitentiary in Louisiana, "the last slave plantation." Here, Bergner give us a glimpse of another forbidden zone, that of extreme sexual practices.Bergner's status as a skillful writer for the New York Times Magazine shows in his ability to bring both insight and compassion to bear on characters that might otherwise come off as mere freaks. The narrative is woven around four stories, involving a dominatrix, a foot fetishist, an amputee fetishist and -- of interest to those of us who work with sex offenders -- an incestuous stepfather. Describing that case of "Roy," Bergner introduces competing theories of sex offending and describes the time he spent with Roy's pedophilia therapy group as well as with well-known experts in the field.If you are undecided about whether to buy this book, you can start with a little taste from the Internet: Bergner's New York Times article of January 22, 2009, "What Do Women Want?" illustrates his knack for translating dry science into accessible prose. Salon's January 27 interview with Bergner, "Sexual perversity in America," briefly describes all four cases featured in the book. Finally, you can check out Bergner's web site, danielbergner.com, which features some of his other writing. There, under the "articles" tab, I especially recommend his 2005 article, "The Making of a Molester." Perhaps that cutting-edge character study (which was influential back when he wrote it) sparked his interest in doing this book, which he has spent the past several years researching.At any rate, I highly recommend the book.

Society's collective thinking process regarding sexual issues appears fraught with value judgments and tends to vary across both cultures and centuries. The term paraphilia, as first coined by the noted pioneer of sexual research John Money, was meant to be a benign description without regard to negative connotation. A paraphilia describes a nonstandard or unusual sexual interest. Paraphilias are much more common in men, and manifest as recurrent, obsessive and intense sexual urges and sexually arousing fantasies, usually involving an object. A paraphilia is generally specific and unchanging. An example would be an obsessive sexual preoccupation by a man with women's high-heeled shoes. According to Dr. Money, a person exhibiting a full-blown paraphilia may become preoccupied with reaching sexual fulfillment relative to that paraphilia, to the extent of total distraction from other responsibilities, even to the point of dangerous or anti-social behavior.This book sheds a good deal of light on the subject of paraphilia's and, although "normalization" is not the precise word for what happens here, one's understanding and compassion about the issue becomes greatly enhanced. I heartily recommend it.

The unfortunate truth about most campaigning books is that they are generally only read by the converted. If you believe that foot fetishists are just too creepy and should be banned from shoe shops or that paedophiles should be locked up for ever preferably with a sadistic psychopath then this book might, at the very least, challenge your assumptions. But you will almost certainly click on past it, secure in your ability to spot filth when you see it.But even if you favour a more "live and let live" approach you may still be in for a few surprises. The dominatrix, for instance is a normally a cartoon figure of fun, but there is nothing funny or ridiculous in the deadly serious and ecstatic world of Bergner's dominatrix. She's not raising welts with a bull whip or literally roasting one of her submissive as a job, it is life-absorbing passion with levels of intensity found in the likes of opera singing or mountaineering. You may not feel drawn to it as a lifestyle but it you might make you wonder whether your sensible acceptable daily existence is not a pale and wan thing by comparison.There are other upending of assumptions about the attraction of amputees - a very lyrical chapter which felt the one the author most responded to - and then the tricky one - paedophillia. Abusive, manipulative, despoiling children ...but at the end you do have more of a sense of the psychological dimensions of this condition and as a man you can only offer a prayer to your deity that your sexual desires are focused on natural healthy proper things like breasts and legs and not the bad forbidden stuff. You have been blessed in this way because of the great lottery and you can at least ask just how cruel we should be to the losers.I may have been misleading in describing the book as campaigning - it's not remotely that in the tub-thumping argumentative sense, instead it is written in the style of the best American magazine journalism - slightly novelistic, unhurried, lots of interviews, mixing, in this case, personal experience with a scientific perspective. It might be better described as a psychological travel book - you are being taken by a very self-effacing guide into strange and unsettling territory - you may not want to live there but you may see your home life with different eyes when you return.Jerome Burne

es sind halt wirklich 4 Reisen, die absolut unabhaengig voneinander sind, weswegen es keine Bruecken, gemeinsame Lehren etc. daraus gibt. Natuerlich erheben 4 Reisen null Anspruch auf Vollstaendigkeit - das macht den Blick frei dafuer, sich auf jede Reise fuer sich zu konzentrieren, ohne unbedingt allgemeingueltige Muster daraus ableiten zu muessen. Fuer sich alleine wird das Buch "the other side of desire" nicht erklaeren koennen, aber das will es auch nicht, weil es eben besagte 4 ausgewaehlte Reisen sind - und als solche ist diese Zusammenstellung eine absolute Bereicherung - am besten als Ergaenzung zu einer Zusammenfassung, die eher allgemeine Muster heraus zu arbeiten versucht

there is very little i need to add to the above; the book is wriiten in plain language, even the clinical passages.there is compassion, there is humour and above all, there is no judgement.the inclusion of real a propos websites makes the reality of the stories all the more compelling.my only critisism: it's too short

This book is a great read for people who are interested in learning more about paraphilias or would like to understand how people with paraphilias feel. It puts things into perspective, and really humanizes the matter. I highly recommend it.